This blog post is somewhat of a journal entry, often times I want to post Facebook status' about what is on my mind but then I realize I shouldn't have to summarize, I want to let it all out.
Going back to elementary school, I was not one of the "popular" kids. I don't even remember what separated us into cliques being so young but I just remember sort of being an acquaintance of everyone. I liked playing kick ball and basketball but my actual friends were sort of the outcasts...
In all of that, certain groups of people would, "let" me hang out with them and play outdoor sports. It being so long ago, I cannot go into detail, however the one thing that stuck to me the most was being called ugly. I remember sitting at lunch and boys telling me I probably broke every mirror in my house. Even so, to this day, I don't like to rattle cages that need not be rattled, but it started to get to me. I went to talk to my teacher and I remember her telling me that when little boys call little girls ugly, it means they have a crush on them. Even as a 7 year-old in elementary school, this wasn't good enough but I was done talking to anyone else. I decided I was strong enough to face it on my own.
As puberty hit, I started seeing the early signs of acne. In fact, I wouldn't even credit puberty, as I remember being 8 years old and getting my first zit on my chin. As I reached age 10, I had patches of it on my cheeks and by the time I was 12, I had what looked like an infection across my entire face.
Elementary school ended, as did our residence in South East Boise and even with a different school, came the same struggles. Now, I've always been a firm believer in consistencies, such as when a person who continues to have the same issues with different people, it is probably the fault of the person. Adding to that, I cannot say what I did, because I do not know. My theory is that it was so easy to see that I was trying to hard to avoid rejection that it actually caused rejection.
The goal I had to wait for my first kiss, was changed after I got my first kiss as a 13 year-old and had my first boyfriend at age 15 but in between all of that, what started as thinking I'd never be good enough to even kiss, turned into selling myself short to make up for all the words that were said to me.
What's amazing to me is that I still remember what those boys said to me in the Trail Wind Elementary school, it just tells me that I will definitely not forget the things that were said to me in High School and even in college.
I'm happy to say that in 136 days I will be sprinting down the aisle in white to the love of my life. Something I never, ever thought would happen. I think back to my 11 year old mentality, that I'd be better off becoming a nun than raising my own hopes that someone could actually call me beautiful let alone marry me.
It's not easy to say to ignore what people say about you, so this goes out to those who don't think they should keep what they think to themselves. I am someone who can tell the actual effects of peoples' opinions of me. Whether it was how I looked or the choices I made. I believe it is too much to ask someone to just ignore what people say, but a lot easier to ask people to think about what they say. I doubt those little boys knew I'd remember their words to me as a 21 year old (literally 13 years later) but it effected me for so long and it lead to other choices.
Don't be a bully. NO matter how much you disagree, telling someone they're ugly may go with them for the rest of their lives and change the way they look at their own selves in the mirror.
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